It’s Sunday, the end of the week. Time to go out, refresh, and have yourself some rest after a long, tiring week.

The first month of my new semester has passed. I’ve chosen to study quite hard this semester, and everything seems overwhelming.

I have two homework this weekend, and both of them are from my coding classes. One is OOP, and the other one is the Programming Technique. Somehow I still haven’t finished both. It’s frustrating, especially when doubt starts to creep into your mind.

How many times have I wondered whether I’ve chosen the right major to study or not? I’m not a bad student at school, and I can proudly say I belong to the top ones. I know my strength compared to other students and the admiration I get from people. I know all of that.

But why do I still feel so empty every Sunday?

People said I should be proud and satisfied with everything I’ve got. They think that I’m confident, sociable, and extremely good at my major. I even have a better income than most of the students my age.

Only if they knew how much I have sacrificed.

As I mentioned earlier, my two homework has caused me to doubt myself. It’s harmful to your mental health, especially when you’ve always tried so hard.

I’m not intelligent. Not at all. Everything I’ve got was through trial and error. I hate when people say I’m smart, I’ll know how to resolve my own problem eventually. Or when they say I’m always confident and able to speak freely and get everyone’s attention. They don’t know my heart always beats like a drum while my body shakes every time.

That’s why I always have an unconfident feeling whenever I tackle a difficult problem or situation. I’m afraid I’m reaching my limitations.

It’s even worse when there’s no one there for you to share your thoughts. I have friends, and many of them can really lend me an ear, but it’s hard for them to understand me thoroughly. They don’t know this side of me, partly because I hardly show it, partly because we’re basically not in the same league. I’m not saying this to dignify myself, but when you’re better than people, you’ll always feel lonely because they won’t ever know how to become someone like you, to feel the way you do.

At the end of the day, it will be just me and myself. I wish there could be someone else here, but that’s the price I have to pay. Maybe one day I’ll be rewarded. One day…

Until then, I still need to be strong. I might have a bad day like today, but I know I’ll come back stronger.

Get yourself up, as a new week is coming.